Dear Sophie -
I am envious of you. I see the world through your eyes and I long for my own to see life the way you do. Especially because you lack worry. Anxiety. Strife.
You don't worry about the laundry or the bills or the messes that need to get cleaned up. You aren't anxious about the "what if's" and "then what's" of the world. The things that keep me up at night. You are content to go with the flow, riding out the waves of life, trusting in me and your daddy.
We are your guides. We are the ones you look to for an example of how to respond to the uncertainties of your world. The foundation you stand on for balance.
I've spent so much of my time, especially since becoming your mama, praying for balance. Recently, I've had a revelation that life isn't something we can put neatly into little measurements, with each compartment getting its own equal amount of time, it's own "balance". 8 hours for work, 8 hours for sleep, 8 hours for family, 8 hours for self..
Wait a second mom! That's 32 hours. Aren't there only 24 in a day??
Yes my brilliant child, there are. And that's my point. There is always more to be done than there is time to do it. Working more than 8 hours means a sacrifice of sleep. Taking time out for me means time away from you. And so on and so on. So, my darling, I'm learning that rather than balance, I have to find an equilibrium.
I love this definition of equilibrium: a stable situation in which forces cancel one another.
A stable situation. That's what I'm trying to find. A place where the sacrifice of time away is canceled out by the quality of time that we spend together.
Take for example this moment. Writing this letter. I started work early today so I could finish while your nanny was still here. Rather than rushing down to be with you (which I so desperately desired), I took advantage of the time you would normally be in someone else's care to do something for myself - write. Something I so desperately needed. And so, minute by minute, I try to find my equilibrium. The place where my needs and wants cancel each other out and I'm left with peace, joy and the ability to embrace the exact moment I'm in.
Paying bills, doing the laundry, cleaning up the messes? Those all have spaces too. But I'm learning not to let them bother me so much. I can live with the mess. I am learning to live without the worry. But without equilibrium, I can not stand upright under the pressure of the world.
So my true stability? The lifeblood that sustains me? That's Jesus. It's His example I'm trying to find in that elusive balancing act of life. That way, when you look at me, you will actually see Him. That's my prayer for you today Sophie. That you never lose your perspective on the world, and that you continue to trust, learning that your hope - our hope - comes only from the Lord.
It's a short letter today. I have a date with a three year old and her super handsome daddy.
I love you the mostest -
love, your mommy